Light in the Darkness
Maybe this is a strange place for me to write about my battle with depression and anxiety. I had planned to create a new blog site for this journal, but when I saw the title above, I knew it belonged here. This is a struggle between light and dark. Isn't that the essence of religion?
I plan to tell my thoughts and feelings honestly, and sometimes my path is dark. There are times I feel ashamed of the thoughts I fight through -- my own thoughts. They haunt me always, and they influence greatly what I do and say and how I feel, but they are unconscious. They work in darkness, and when I bring them into the light, the errors in logic, the weakness and hopelessness that lies imbedded in them, becomes apparent. By writing of them, will I increase their power? Or destroy it?
Will I humiliate myself - reveal myself as something lower than what people think I am? Will I lose your love? Your respect? Sometimes I think: If I can just hold it together -- if I can just hide how deep and encompassing this weakness is -- maybe people will just think I'm having an off day (off week, off year) and their opinion of me won't change. People have always given me the impression that they think I am intelligent, talented, strong, confident, inspiring. I've always been hesitant to accept the praise, but now I'm afraid that I will lose it.
As I am writing, a memory rises up. Freshman year, USU. Depressed. It was situational, and a reasonable response considering the traumatic event that led me there. However, what haunts me now is not the traumatic event, nor the depression I fell into. It's the response of some of my "friends". Friends that had felt like family to a girl away from home for the first time. They started doing things without me, and eventually when I said something, they responded by telling me that I was too sad, that it was too hard to be around me. And that was that.
Such is the fear that drives me to keep up appearances (though I doubt they fool anyone): I am afraid that by letting my thoughts out, that I will either drag you into depression with me, or I will repulse you with my weakness.
Regardless, I plan to move forward. I hope I can be honest.
I was told in a blessing that I would need great courage and confidence to make it through some of the daily tasks in my life. Never in my life has that been more true than now.
I plan to tell my thoughts and feelings honestly, and sometimes my path is dark. There are times I feel ashamed of the thoughts I fight through -- my own thoughts. They haunt me always, and they influence greatly what I do and say and how I feel, but they are unconscious. They work in darkness, and when I bring them into the light, the errors in logic, the weakness and hopelessness that lies imbedded in them, becomes apparent. By writing of them, will I increase their power? Or destroy it?
Will I humiliate myself - reveal myself as something lower than what people think I am? Will I lose your love? Your respect? Sometimes I think: If I can just hold it together -- if I can just hide how deep and encompassing this weakness is -- maybe people will just think I'm having an off day (off week, off year) and their opinion of me won't change. People have always given me the impression that they think I am intelligent, talented, strong, confident, inspiring. I've always been hesitant to accept the praise, but now I'm afraid that I will lose it.
As I am writing, a memory rises up. Freshman year, USU. Depressed. It was situational, and a reasonable response considering the traumatic event that led me there. However, what haunts me now is not the traumatic event, nor the depression I fell into. It's the response of some of my "friends". Friends that had felt like family to a girl away from home for the first time. They started doing things without me, and eventually when I said something, they responded by telling me that I was too sad, that it was too hard to be around me. And that was that.
Such is the fear that drives me to keep up appearances (though I doubt they fool anyone): I am afraid that by letting my thoughts out, that I will either drag you into depression with me, or I will repulse you with my weakness.
Regardless, I plan to move forward. I hope I can be honest.
I was told in a blessing that I would need great courage and confidence to make it through some of the daily tasks in my life. Never in my life has that been more true than now.
posted by Marci at 8:04 PM
2 Comments:
i love you darkness and all, baby!
Marci, you have always been an inspiration to me, even when I haven't seen you for more than TEN YEARS! I know you are an amazing person. Depression sucks. I know. Boy, do I know! I know that you are more than that, you are so special and brilliant, I've been in awe of you since junior high. :)
Much love.
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