Something to Believe In

The Tyranny of Sound and the Power of Music

2007-08-26T17:30:00.000-07:00

Dealing with internal "noise" has made me acutely aware of sound. The noise on the freeway is deafening, drowning out all other sound. Most radio music grates on me like nails on a chalkboard. I often opt for silence -- as much as I can get. I got a classical guitar CD, and listen to it pretty regularly. It helps. When babies are of a certain age, they feel disturbed by the space around them, so mothers "swaddle" them - or wrap them tightly in cloth - to help them feel secure, protected -- enveloped by a warmth reminiscent of the mother's womb, I guess. My soul feels that return to security -- a feeling of extreme safety surrounds me when I listen to this music, while most other sounds make me feel attacked. Other good sounds: wind; a cat purring; leaves rustling; rain or river or ocean noises; soft white noise - like the humidifier. Sounds that put me on edge: traffic; "bad" white noise like the hum of lights and/or electricity; most modern music; dj's - yes, all of them; commercials - even billboards and business signs seems to be "screaming" out at me, and I hate their noise; kids or teenagers or babies crying (a sound I used to love - in a weird way). There are others, but I guess it's not necessary to form a comprehensive list.

I've never appreciated the introvert's need for times of silence so much before.

Light in the Darkness

2007-08-25T20:04:00.000-07:00

Maybe this is a strange place for me to write about my battle with depression and anxiety. I had planned to create a new blog site for this journal, but when I saw the title above, I knew it belonged here. This is a struggle between light and dark. Isn't that the essence of religion?

I plan to tell my thoughts and feelings honestly, and sometimes my path is dark. There are times I feel ashamed of the thoughts I fight through -- my own thoughts. They haunt me always, and they influence greatly what I do and say and how I feel, but they are unconscious. They work in darkness, and when I bring them into the light, the errors in logic, the weakness and hopelessness that lies imbedded in them, becomes apparent. By writing of them, will I increase their power? Or destroy it?

Will I humiliate myself - reveal myself as something lower than what people think I am? Will I lose your love? Your respect? Sometimes I think: If I can just hold it together -- if I can just hide how deep and encompassing this weakness is -- maybe people will just think I'm having an off day (off week, off year) and their opinion of me won't change. People have always given me the impression that they think I am intelligent, talented, strong, confident, inspiring. I've always been hesitant to accept the praise, but now I'm afraid that I will lose it.

As I am writing, a memory rises up. Freshman year, USU. Depressed. It was situational, and a reasonable response considering the traumatic event that led me there. However, what haunts me now is not the traumatic event, nor the depression I fell into. It's the response of some of my "friends". Friends that had felt like family to a girl away from home for the first time. They started doing things without me, and eventually when I said something, they responded by telling me that I was too sad, that it was too hard to be around me. And that was that.

Such is the fear that drives me to keep up appearances (though I doubt they fool anyone): I am afraid that by letting my thoughts out, that I will either drag you into depression with me, or I will repulse you with my weakness.

Regardless, I plan to move forward. I hope I can be honest.

I was told in a blessing that I would need great courage and confidence to make it through some of the daily tasks in my life. Never in my life has that been more true than now.

Who's judging whom?

2006-04-30T02:51:00.000-07:00

Some people have said to me that religion (esp. LDS religion) causes people to be judgemental and prejudiced. I wish I could explain to them, but I never seem to be able to find the words. I wish that they could see that it's my understanding of, and experiences with, my Father in Heaven and my Savior that gives me the ability to look beyond all of that -- to see the truth and goodness in people -- the truth that lies beyond my prejudices, beyond my insecurities, beyond my own fears and weakness.

Everything good that I know...everything good that I am, or do (or say, or feel, or think) - comes to me by God - either by his power or his example. If ever I'm able to look past a persons actions -- to look into the heart of someone else, to forgive or simply to withold judgement -- it's because he has shown me how. I've felt him look into my heart...to see beyond this brief fraction of time, to see why I act the way I sometimes do, to see the real me -- and to love me even when there isn't much there that I can find to love. I've felt him treat me like the woman taken in adultery, prepared for condemnation and death, who found instead compassion, forgiveness, and hope. When I have this in my heart is when I remember to do the same for others. It's only when I forget God that I begin to judge...condemn...despise...fear...hate.

One of the most basely human (and un-godlike) things we possibly can do is to pass judgement on one another -- to see only what is before us -- the surface appearance, the visible action, the person they may be in this moment...while God looks deep within the soul of people, sees beyond the action, beyond the moment -- he sees all that we have been, all that we will be -- he sees what pain we are in that may be affecting our decisions, he sees what we hope to be. He sees what we love and long for - and the stupid ways we sometimes go about trying to achieve it. That is what I see when I practice my religion. It's when I fail to practice my religion, fail to live as God is teaching me to live, that I find myself passing judgement on others.

Why do people get it so backwards? Why, when they see a person of religion who is failing to live their religion, blame it on the teachings - instead of looking at the doctrine and what it is teaching us to do? The teaching of Christ (and the LDS doctrine) is clear in this manner. It makes me sad that so many people cannot see it, and pass judgement incorrectly and unwisely.

Trinity and the Godhead - part 2

2006-04-04T11:36:00.000-07:00

I wrote "Trinity and the Godhead" following a discussion about God with a good friend of mine, and I’ve thought about it a lot since then. I’m reading a book called, “Getting at the Truth” by Robert L. Millet. In it, he talks about the relationship between LDS people and people of other faiths. He encourages open discourse, mutual respect, and truly listening to people of other faiths – not just listening with half an ear, waiting for an opportunity to jump in with our own beliefs. I’m afraid that I still tend to do that – jump in with my own beliefs, rather than truly listening – but I’m working on it, and the effort’s been rewarding. He’s primarily talking about other Christians, but I think the same is true of any sincere, good religion (I exclude Satanism and any similar “religion” which focuse on darkness – this may close-minded of me - but there are times to exclude certain things and times to be more inclusive).

He quotes extensively from a book by Richard Mouw entitled: Uncommon Decency: Christian Civility in an Uncivil World. The following quote comes from that book:

“We need to have such a total trust in Christ that we are not afraid to follow the truth wherever it leads us. He is ‘the true light, which enlightens everyone.’ (John 1:9) Jesus is the truth. We do not have to be afraid, then, to enter into dialog with people from other religious traditions. If we find truth in what they say, we must step out in faith to reach for it. Jesus’ arms will be there to catch us.” (pg 106)

I have never understood the concept of the Trinity, and had some close-minded thoughts about this belief. But, listening then with an open mind and a sincere desire to understand and to see things from my friend’s perspective, I felt surprising warmth, and could see the sense of it, and the beauty of this concept. I still do not place my faith in this concept of God as the true one (for my own reasons); however, I came to respect it as a viable, symbolic, beautiful concept of God.

I hope that I can continue to allow God to stretch me in my understanding of other people and other religions, trusting that I will either a) learn new truths about him or b) learn to better understand and respect other people – both of which would enrich my life.

C.S. Lewis on love

2006-04-02T13:22:00.000-07:00

From The Great Divorce

"You cannot love a fellow-creature fully till you love God. Sometimes this conversion can be done while the [love for the other person] is being gratified. [But sometimes it cannot, and...]...when that first love was thwarted, then there was a chance that in the loneliness, in the silence, something else might begin to grow."

"...love, as mortals understand the word, isn't enough. Every natural love will rise again and live forever...but none will rise again until it has been buried."

Experience with light

2006-04-02T13:10:00.000-07:00

I was walking out of my garage the other day, and as I stumbled my way through the narrow passage (filled with clutter) leading out to the black night, I could see nothing at all. I stumbled into the door blindly, feeling for the door handle.

But as I came back in, I saw a tiny sliver of light from around the crack of the inside door, spilling out from the light within. My way was illuminated – not enough to see clearly, but enough to find the door. When the light was behind me, it was not enough to light my path. But when I turned to face it, it was enough to guide me home.

If we focus on the dark (or the things we don’t know or the things we fear), while turning our back on the light (the things we do know), we don’t have enough to guide us, and we will stumble through in total darkness, even though there is light to be had. However, if we focus on the light, we have enough to guide us.

Do I think we are meant to stumble around in the dark, with only a sliver of light to guide us? No. Do I think that we are meant to just ignore the questions we have? No. I think God wants to shed light on all knowledge, all truth, answer all questions. So why does he let us stumble around in the dark, when we so desire light and knowledge? Why did God allow his perfect, most loving Son to feel alone enough to cry out “Why hast thou forsaken me?”

I come back to these truths and hold onto them – they get me through this night:

1: God’s ways are not my ways. Which is for me to say, “God’s ways are what my ways would be if I could be like God, if I could see as God sees, and comprehend as God comprehends.”

2: The scriptures talk about God’s purposes being to bring us back to him, and to make us more like him. Sometimes this path is hard. It seems to be harder the further along that path you get (look at all the greatest disciples in the scriptures – the Savior, Abraham, Paul to name only a few – they all seem to have suffered more than I ever have). This tells me that some kinds of pain, darkness, doubt bring a growth that light, answers, and ease do not.

I have witnessed this. I have come to appreciate some of the darkest times in my life (in hindsight) as times of learning, growth, change, humility, and faith. But only because I continued to seek God. I think that if I had ever given in or given up, those times would have been for my destruction instead of growth.

I guess in his wisdom, he recognizes that, although he wants us to know him fully, it will come in a process of time, growth, and great personal struggle. We must trust that he knows what we need and what we can handle, and the right time and season for everything.

Trinity and the Godhead

2006-04-02T12:10:00.000-07:00

I struggle when people say that the LDS view of the Godhead is true because it is more comprehensible than the idea of the trinity. That is not why it is true. If it is true, then it is true simply because that’s how it is.

I am grateful that it is comprehensible (at least in part) to me, but that is not why it is true. Whether something is currently comprehensible to me (or to the general public) is not the test of something’s validity. However, I do believe that all truth will eventually be made comprehensible – but only when (and if) we become the kind of beings that can comprehend them.

Is he any less of a God when he is incomprehensible to me? Of course not – He is what he is, the truth is the truth – surely there are other truths beyond my comprehension. I cannot comprehend the Atonement of Jesus Christ. This does not make it any less true.

Is he any less of a God when he is comprehensible? Is he any less of a God because he was once a man? I look at the condescension of the Savior – to descend “below them all”. Surely everything in the scripture, everything that the Savior taught, is that we can do as he does, we can become as he is, and we can go where he goes – not because we make ourselves worthy to follow him, but because we trust in his promises, and he leads us there.

Chess and Faith

2006-04-01T23:20:00.000-07:00

Maybe what we need most is not the answers to all our questions -- we need a reason to hold on when we don’t have the answers, or don’t understand the answers we have. It’s like chess – sometimes it’s wisest to counter-move instead of to defend. In chess, if you only defend, the offensive player will eventually get the better of you. You will lose the game. (At least, that was my experience). To win, you must do both: defend and counter-move.

Likewise, if you try to find the answer for every spiritual question before continuing forward, you will fail to find all the answers you seek because you will not be in the place you need to be to receive them. It’s not that you shouldn’t have questions, or that there aren’t answers, it’s just that you will likely run into a time when your faith will be tested – and it will be tested in the hardest way possible. For people of analytical integrity, who question in order to learn deeply, who test their own assumptions, who would rather be right than comfortable -- that is likely to come in a way that tests this very quality – which is both strength and weakness.

It takes great humility to say, “Everything I once believed in could be wrong.” In a way, however, it will take greater humility, to say, “There may be truth that goes beyond my comprehension, beyond all my learning, all my logic, all my study. But to find it, and to find peace, I must trust in something beyond my own abilities.”
I do not have this challenge: the challenge of questioning and believing. I still have to search for light – but not in the world around me. There, I recognize light from dark. Mostly I search to separate the light from the darkness in my own heart. But I know that we are all tested in the way that pulls at our very heart-strings, forcing our greatest strengths and our greatest weaknesses (often the same characteristic) to the foreground for purification and submission to God’s will. When Satan tempted the Savior, his greatest temptation was not with the promises of bread or power, to test the Savior’s weakness – the greatest temptation was to challenge the Savior’s strength…his divinity. "If thou be the son of God…"

Four: Faith, Part Three (God in the Scriptures)

2006-03-27T22:08:00.000-07:00

My brother talked of his frustration when people answer questions in the gospel with the answer: “faith”. I’ve heard people answer questions this way; I’ve probably done it myself. But the problem with that kind of answer is that it implies this: “So everything you learned goes against logic? So it doesn’t make sense? Well, its not supposed to! That’s what faith is about.”

I’ve got a problem with that. It is true that sometimes the things of God don’t make sense to me, but I believe that’s because I can’t yet see the whole picture…or can’t yet fully comprehend the picture that I do see – NOT because there is no logic or sense to be had.

I reject a faith that says, “God doesn’t make sense. Believe in him anyway.” I cannot seriously believe in a God like that. At least, not if I take the scriptures to heart. They speak of a God that is eternal, unchanging, and perfect.

So why are there discrepancies in the scriptures?

I think there are multiple reasons, three of which I focus on to find peace of mind:

One: I think the scriptures are incomplete and imperfect. However, since this is the road map God has given us to find him, I think it must have enough of what we need to find him and to know his character. (But the map alone is not enough – as described by C.S. Lewis in the last entry)

Two: God’s character is more complete than any man or woman on earth. He is the ultimate, complete man. Thus, I don’t feel I can fully comprehend all that God is, or all that he does, or his reasons for it (see Isaiah 55:8-11), but that is because it takes time and spiritual growth to be able to know him, not because he is unknowable.

Three: I think there are times and seasons for the various attributes of God to be shown, and we see this throughout the scriptures. Dictated by our need, there are times to focus on how individual, how personal, how compassionate he is, and times to tremble in awe and fear of his power, might, majesty, and holiness.

He is merciful, forgiving, compassionate. He is the sharp sword of justice and truth that will divide the wicked from the righteous. So which is he? The answer is: both. He is both, in perfect balance. And even though one attribute may seem (with our limited vision) at times to contradict another, we cannot reject either part without rejecting the whole and making for ourselves our own version of God. This is the price of accepting a whole truth, and not just part – even though we can usually only see part.

Spiritual Experiences and Maps

2006-03-26T21:48:00.000-07:00

C.S. Lewis had a friend who had a spiritual experience in the desert. He concluded from this that the only true religion is found in nature; that church and doctrines are simply an invention of man. Of this, C.S. Lewis wrote:

“Merely learning and thinking about the Christian doctrines, if you stop there, is less real and less exciting than the sort of thing my friend got in the desert. Doctrines are not God: they are only a kind of map. But the map is based on the experience of hundreds of people who really were in touch with God – experience compared with which any…feelings you and I are likely to get on our own are very elementary and very confused. And secondly, if you want to get any further, you must use the map.

You see, what happened to the man in the desert may have been real, and was certainly exciting, but nothing comes of it. It leads nowhere. There is nothing to do about it. In fact, that is just why a vague religion – all about feeling God in nature, and so on – is so attractive. It is all thrills and no work; like watching the waves from the beach. …You will not get eternal life by simply feeling the presence of God in flowers or music.

“You [will not] get anywhere by looking at maps without going to sea. Nor will you be very safe if you go to sea without a map.”

“It is easy for us to want to seek after an easy religion. In the example above, Nature provided an easy religion – one requiring no work or sacrifice. These easy religions have drawn flocks of followers, and it is no wonder why. The problem is, these…do not have the power to exalt. The religions whose God asked Abraham to sacrifice his son…was not any easy religion – just the true one.

Three: Faith in the Dark, Part Two

2006-03-25T10:56:00.000-07:00

“For we know in part, and we prophesy in part. But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away…For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.” 1 CORINTHIANS 13: 9-10, 12 (New Testament, Bible, KJV)

Imagine that our whole existence (pre-earth, earth, and after-earth life) was a single day, and our time on earth the night. God (and all spiritual truth) is the light of the sun. This is the way I see three of the religious views of this life:

(Disclaimer: I take each of these views from the most positive, optimistic possibility, and I hope I represent them each fairly – I apologize if I’m mistaken in my understanding.)

The Atheists view: We live in a dark world. There is no such thing as a sun, and there is no light, save that which we make ourselves.

The Agnostic view: We live in a dark world. There may be a sun, but I do not know. I have not seen it. If it does exist, I am without the means of knowing it. Thus, for me and for this life, there is no light save that which we make ourselves.

The Faith view: We live in a dark world. There is a sun, it shone on us once, it will shine on us again, but for now it is night. There are ways of knowing that there is a sun and you must learn to appreciate those things that indirectly give us the light of the sun. For example, if we look up at the sky, we can see the moon and stars, which reflect the light of the sun. In the mean time, anything that we (or anyone) can do to bring light into this time of night is good – but we must never forget that there is a light far greater than anything we can do ourselves, and it will rise on us at the end of this night.

Two: Faith in the Dark, Part One

2006-03-20T01:28:00.000-07:00

Two truths I believe about this mortal life are: first – We are separated from God; spiritually speaking, we are in the dark. And, second – It is vitally important to “see” spiritually in this life.

But how? I used to be bothered when people spoke of “faith.” It seemed to be a loophole to explain away everything. Things got dismissed with a wave of the hand, an exasperated look, and the answer: “Just have faith.” I and people I loved were wandering around in the dark and someone was saying “Why can’t you see in the dark?” But faith (to me) is not to say “I can see in the dark” or even “You don’t need to see.” That isn’t faith, to say: “There are no answers – believe anyway. Walk away from the truth that you know – believe in something illogical.”

I do think a huge part of the answer is “faith”, though. But is faith to see in the dark? Faith doesn’t make things true that aren’t true. It can’t create order out of chaos, or truth out of an untruth, or logic out of nonsense.

“…Faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true.” ALMA 32:21 (The Book of Mormon)

I think faith is to say:

1. There exist things beyond my knowledge and comprehension that remain true despite whether I’m aware of them, believe in them, or comprehend them. They remain true despite me.

“…The Spirit speaketh the truth…it speaketh of things as they really are, and of things as they really will be…” JACOB 4:13 (The Book of Mormon)

2. I believe that there are different kinds of “knowledge” and that there are ways to acquire “knowledge” besides my immediate physical senses or my own ability to reason.

3. I will use what I do know to light my path – even if I do not know everything.

What do you think of faith? Again, any and all comments are welcome, but please be sincere and considerate of others, regardless of whether you are expressing faith or doubt, support or disagreement.

One: A Personal God

2006-03-20T01:21:00.000-07:00

“And this is life eternal, that they might know thee, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom thou hast sent.” JOHN 17:3, (New Testament, Bible, KJV)

BELIEF ONE: God Wants Us to Know Him

I believe in a personal God. I believe in personal religion. This is not to say that I believe either religion or God are subjective. I am not so audacious as to believe that if a being such as God exists, that his nature is determined in any way by what I want him to be. If there is a God, then he is what he is, regardless of what I believe, or what I want. There are times when I would naïvely avoid this truth. However, in the end, I resign myself to the fact that if God is or does thus (whatever I might be struggling with), then he must be right, and somehow if I only could see as he sees, I would understand.

I believe that God wants us to know him. That may seem like a simple thought, but there are many who believe in God who don’t believe in this concept. It’s an essential foundation of my faith, however. As part of that, I believe that God has left all of us here on earth with some way to know him. Apparently, in different times and for different people, he reveals more or less of himself, and/or different aspects of himself, depending upon his wisdom for that time or people or individual. Whenever I don’t understand the behavior of God towards me (or all of us), I find a rope to hang onto in these words from Isaiah 55:8-11:

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord; For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts. For as the rain cometh down, and the snow from heaven, and returneth not thither, but watereth the earth, and maketh it bring forth and bud, that it may give seed to the sower, and bread to the eater: So shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return unto me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing whereto I sent it.”

I do not believe that this scripture is saying, “You cannot understand me, so don’t even try.” I can’t believe that’s what is meant by “faith in God”. Besides, this goes against my first premise: I believe God wants us to know him. I’ll explore what I think “faith” is in another entry.

Any comments are welcome. You may express faith or doubt -- as long as you are sincere, and please try to be considerate of others.

Introduction by the author

2006-03-20T00:45:00.000-07:00

I’m writing this blog primarily as a response to some of Jared’s recent posts about God (follow the link to Jared from my page, then go to Feb & March 2006 archives -- see "The same yesterday, today, and forever"; "It's raining, it's pouring"; "Intelligent Design", parts one and two; and "Help thou my unbelief")

I told him I’d attempt to help him in his search for spiritual truth and understanding. His questions were good ones, shared by others.

Most importantly, they’re sincere, so I felt that they required more than a quick, easy answer. Sometimes people ask me questions about my faith but it’s only to challenge it, not because they are genuinely seeking an answer.

I don’t feel adequate. I’m not particularly clever, and I feel that, although my faith runs deeply and sincerely, I often feel as if it will appear to others as naïve, or preachy/false. Sometimes these spiritual lessons have a history behind them that goes beyond my abilities to describe. I’m afraid I’ll do these sacred things an injustice by my feeble attempts to describe my own understanding and experience, both of which are really only in their infancy.

But he’s my brother and I love him, and I wanted to at least try. Maybe something I have to say might help. If nothing else, it’s one more voice of encouragement, hope, and faith.

I don’t have all the answers, and I hope this doesn’t come off as if I do. But I’ll give what I can.